Return of the living dead

Helloooo! I am sorry to have abandonned you for so long, times have been hard. But I am back! and in a good form.

I know that we are supposed to make resolutions at the beginning of the year, but fuck it, I decided to do so at the end of July. I pretty much decided to give up everything that is useless, that costs me more than it brings me, things that bother me to embrace a new life. Here is the list of what I decided to give up:

- smoking (already started, 3 weeks tobacco free)
- flatmate (10 years of living with people is enough, I think I need my own space now)
- job
- worrying
- people I don't really care about

All those things are draining me, and I therefore don't to do any of this anymore. This is what I am going to do then (give me a good year to achieve all this):

- starting educations in bike mechanic, rider's lessons and web design. They are all very straightforward and practical, fed up with theoretical stuff, I want action!
- repairing the bikes and selling them for Rothar
- look for a smaller flat that is not going to cost me more than the current one but which will have central heating and a real shower
- going on with my psychoanalysis as it seems it is working on me so well! Those decisions wouldn't have been taken without counselling

In brief, I put words on stuff I've known for a long time. It is very soothing not to hesitate anymore, and I have learnt patience and I know that good things comes when one knows how to wait. More news soon!

Famille je vous haime

Some of you are telling me it is wrong to write in English because they don't understand it, some others blame French for being too complicated and blablabla, och du Jenny klagar du ocksa nu! Hmmm.... dunno what the hell I have to do now...

Last time I was about to write I wanted to say some words about the family stuff. The Family with a capital F for a lot of people, the pillar of the society for conservative people, the place where everything is love and care and where you enable the child to get a proper education and teach him how to be a responsible adult.

I never had anything to complain about in my family I have to say... My parents are great people, dedicated to us, they always showed their affection, never prevented us from doing anything we wanted as long as it was not dangerous for us. But what am I am learning with my shrink then? Since I had such a beautiful childhood and have such nice parents and siblings, what is this psychoanalysis about? Isn't psychoanalysis done for people who have been abused, abandoned, not taken care enough?

Well, no... I mean yes, but reality is not that simple. My parents had the best intentions in the world and despite this they created a whole list of neurosis, dysfunctionings, they transmitted their own fears to us, their own (not so happy) childhood and all the list of bad stuff they had gone through. My main issue is my fear of being abandoned. When I have people I love around me, when they leave it is as if they were leaving me on purpose, that I did something wrong. I feel as if a weight was put on my chest, on my tummy, I can barely breathe and I cannot sleep unless I do take some drug. I never was abandoned in my life, always got support, love etc.. I discovered that I had transferred my parents' experiences (too complicated to be detailed here), that those things I had developed were nothing to do with me but with them. The guy I still see every week told me he was treating grand grand children of survivors of the Shoah, they are traumatised by something that did not happen to them, but to people generations before them. This transmission is extraordinary, and it does question quite a lot this saintity of the Family and its exceptional and inviolable status. And I am just talking about the kind of well functioning family, the one where everything's supposed to be well. I don't count abuses, rapes, incests, abuses of power and authority, intolerance and other charming things happening behind closed doors..

Hence the question. Who am I, what right do I have to risk this transmission from me to my own creations? Is my desire to be immortal so strong that I can question somebody else's sanity, knowing that whatever I do I will do it wrong? That the only possible effect of my education is to create a passive tax payer spending a lot of money to go to counselling? I don't feel good thinking about it at all, and although my life's wonderful and fulfilling I am still fighting against my old demons.

I'm gonna have a drink now.

Plantes et autres carnivores

La photo que vous voyez a ete prise sur le rebord de fenetre de mon petit appartement. J'ai cede a la tentation des planteses carnivores, et voici la preuve que ces petites choses (celle que j'ai doit faire maximum 15 cm de haut) bouffe de la viande! La pauvre mouche, j'espere qu'elle n'a pas trop souffert. Je suis curieuse maintenant de savoir combien de temps elle va mettre pour la digerer..

La plante en question est une "venus flytrap", un piege a mouche avec le nom de la deesse de l'amour, je trouve la combinaison charmante. "Viens par ici mon petit, regarde comme je suis jolie et attirante.." Bzzzz et glurps!

Temps de brin....

Today I got a new job. It is the same work as the last one, only permanent contract and in the historical part of the city. I'll be there cycling about 15 minutes, the government's buildings and the Taoisach's (pronounce Teeshock, prime minister) department will be just a few doors away. I cannot say I am jumping with enthusiasm even though I am glad and relieved. Not so much more to say for the moment. The two pictures represent either a fantasy either the reality. The first picture was taken in Mexico last year. The second picture was taken on the Dublin seaside this morning...

Have a nice weekend all! Bisous

Protester en Irlande

Alors la photo qui est attachee a ce texte ne devrait pas etre trop exotique pour ceux d'entre vous qui vivent sous le regime sarkozyste. Ceci est un membre de la Garda Siochana (prononcer Gaarda Chiocana), un flic quoi. Les contestations sociales etant une chose assez rare en Irlande (mais elles sont traitees par la police irlandaise de la meme facon qu'a la maison, c'est presque emouvant), je vous raconte ce qu'il se passe avec le mouvement "Shell to Sea". La denommee compagnie petroliere (au fait, pardon pour l'absence d'accents mais c'est tres chiant a faire sur le clavier ici) souhaite, avec l'accord du gouvernement construire un gazoduc long de plusieurs kilometres dans la region de Mayo, a l'Ouest du pays. Malgre les protestations des habitants (le gazoduc est un projet jamais encore realise, les militants denoncent des risques environnementaux et contestent la securite du site), le gouvernement a donne son aval. Et ca dure depuis 2003... La Haute Cour de justice a en 2005 a rendu un jugement favorable a Shell en lui donnant autorisation de penetrer sur des proprietes privees (par exemple les jardins des 16 maisons qui seront dans un rayon de moins de 2 kilometres de la centrale). Cette meme cour a condamne 5 militants de Rossport (dans le meme coin) pour obstruction aux travaux. Et c'est a partir de la que les choses ont commence a bouger au niveau national et qu'une contestation dans tout le pays s'est mise en place. Bon, c'est a l'irlandaise.. mais quand meme! Les mouvements de contestation ont fait tellement pression sur Shell qu'ils ont permis que ceux-ci retirent la plainte contre les Rossport 5 qui ont ete depuis liberes, le lobbying vers les norvegiens (oui Shell c'est aussi Statoil, et ca c'est norvegien) marche aussi, des delegues ayant ete depeches sur place et remettant en cause le trace du gazoduc.

Et pour faire le lien avec la photo, ce gentil cop est en fait en train de tabasser des manifestants dans le comte Mayo, qui ont porte plainte.. Ah j'en aurais presque le mal du pays....

Qui est fou?

Today I went to my weekly psycholanalysis session. When this lovely guy (whom I pay a lot to listen to my crap) asked how I would categorize myself, I described it as I thought it was, i.e. middle-class / slightly academic very usual person. He noticed I never mentioned my gender. And in fact, I don't think this is relevant. Why should I be considered a woman before the forementioned elements? I asked him what the proportion was between women and men when it came to psychosis and insanity. He told me the proportion was 80 / 20. Are we all chicks absolutely insane? But wait a minute... Who defined insanity? My petit doigt tells me it is a person born with the male-gender... What is so surprising then that in a world where men have power, where men define what is normal or not that the other gender, conditioned as it is (and don't misunderstand me there, men are conditioned too, and harshly so..) does not comply to the society which is not created at their image and hat this male gender despises everything that would considered as "the other" (i.e. female. Who has never said "don't be a girl / a sissy, you have to be tough"?). Next week I'll ask my analyst if what he is doing to me is not an attempt to "normalise" me (as if there was such a thing) and put me into those categories that the precious BUT phallocratic Freud created. And to end with this, a quote from Jean Dubuffet: "For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity."