Some of you are telling me it is wrong to write in English because they don't understand it, some others blame French for being too complicated and blablabla, och du Jenny klagar du ocksa nu! Hmmm.... dunno what the hell I have to do now...
Last time I was about to write I wanted to say some words about the family stuff. The Family with a capital F for a lot of people, the pillar of the society for conservative people, the place where everything is love and care and where you enable the child to get a proper education and teach him how to be a responsible adult.
I never had anything to complain about in my family I have to say... My parents are great people, dedicated to us, they always showed their affection, never prevented us from doing anything we wanted as long as it was not dangerous for us. But what am I am learning with my shrink then? Since I had such a beautiful childhood and have such nice parents and siblings, what is this psychoanalysis about? Isn't psychoanalysis done for people who have been abused, abandoned, not taken care enough?
Well, no... I mean yes, but reality is not that simple. My parents had the best intentions in the world and despite this they created a whole list of neurosis, dysfunctionings, they transmitted their own fears to us, their own (not so happy) childhood and all the list of bad stuff they had gone through. My main issue is my fear of being abandoned. When I have people I love around me, when they leave it is as if they were leaving me on purpose, that I did something wrong. I feel as if a weight was put on my chest, on my tummy, I can barely breathe and I cannot sleep unless I do take some drug. I never was abandoned in my life, always got support, love etc.. I discovered that I had transferred my parents' experiences (too complicated to be detailed here), that those things I had developed were nothing to do with me but with them. The guy I still see every week told me he was treating grand grand children of survivors of the Shoah, they are traumatised by something that did not happen to them, but to people generations before them. This transmission is extraordinary, and it does question quite a lot this saintity of the Family and its exceptional and inviolable status. And I am just talking about the kind of well functioning family, the one where everything's supposed to be well. I don't count abuses, rapes, incests, abuses of power and authority, intolerance and other charming things happening behind closed doors..
Hence the question. Who am I, what right do I have to risk this transmission from me to my own creations? Is my desire to be immortal so strong that I can question somebody else's sanity, knowing that whatever I do I will do it wrong? That the only possible effect of my education is to create a passive tax payer spending a lot of money to go to counselling? I don't feel good thinking about it at all, and although my life's wonderful and fulfilling I am still fighting against my old demons.
I'm gonna have a drink now.
